For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been single for over a year now.
I decided to abruptly focus on working on myself, and I completely overhauled my relationship, living arrangements and moved several cities away from the man I’d been dating for over six years, choosing myself and a life of solitude instead.
As if by magic, everything appeared that I needed in order to facilitate this change. As soon as I decided I was ready to move on alone, an entire path opened up for me, and I was provided with everything, including the money and support required for me to commit to this change.
I was living in San Pedro at the time, and my daughter was attending a magnet school in our hometown while I worked in the neighboring city of Wilmington as a high school English teacher.
Every day, I woke up feeling desperate to shake things up, to switch them around. Seasonal restlessness, I called it. I’ve been plagued with it for many years now. I suffer from it any time I feel like I’m not growing enough. I’m the kind of woman that doesn’t like to get comfortable in comfort.
I moved to San Pedro shortly after joining LAUSD’s subbing pool. I’d been working for ABC Unified for a while and the pay wasn’t cutting it for my expenses and where I wanted to be financially, and once I learned about Los Angeles’ daily rate, I decided to take up the challenge of accepting their “combat pay” assignments.
Moreover, my ex and I had suffered an unmentionable trauma together and it led me to decide that it was time for us to be closer. We had, for two years, tried sustaining a long-distance relationship, and it wasn’t working. So, a month before the end of the school year of my long term subbing assignment from hell at Wilmington Middle School, I moved to Pedro, and even though he was staying with his family at the time, once I got my apartment on 8th street, a tiny, cozy little thing with a balcony and a delightful neighborhood, he simply never left, and one day his mom texted me, asking me when he was going to pick up his stuff because they needed more space at home.
For a while, he was just visiting and spending the night, and since it was a one-bedroom apartment we’d end up sleeping on the floor of the living room while Camille took up my gigantic king-sided bed in the room that she and I shared. She was only seven at the time. We were so happy playing house for the first time together, especially because it was also my first time having a home of my own since my brother passed away in my last apartment, that things were peaceful. We eventually made the step to upgrade to a two-bedroom, and put both of our names on the lease.
But living with someone versus dating them is so vastly different, and of course our close proximity to one another led to us discovering how many ways we needed to work on ourselves, and how much we needed to confront and heal in order for us to even be a functional couple. It was as if all of the issues I had with Alex were repeated and doubled in this new relationship.
There was so much trauma in the relationship over the years and we had never fully confronted or healed it, and it began to affect our ability to stay committed in our music project. Eventually, our goals as far as furthering my music career tapered off into nothingness: I no longer felt comfortable sharing my creative energy with him because the negative aspects of our romantic relationship overshadowed our creative potential. I began to work with others in order to move forward creatively, but I still repeated the same mistake along the way. Now that we are apart we are slowly but surely recovering the ability to creatively co-create without falling back into our patterns. And it’s a very painful process.
The whole reason why we met was derailed by all of the personal issues we developed while trying to be a couple…something we could’ve avoided had we simply kept it professional.
This isn’t to say I have any regrets. I’m motivated creatively by sex and love, and in many ways, he motivated and continues to motivate me to do and be my best…in many ways, he is one of the reasons why I continue to sing and write songs…I just wish I’d known better before ditching my fiancée at the time of meeting him and jumping into something with someone when I had no idea what I really wanted, or who he really was.
I wish I’d had a plan for what I wanted.
I am speaking on this because I know I’m not alone in mixing business with pleasure and situationships turning into relationships and then relationshits.
I wish I’d known about the power of sexual transmutation.
For those of you who don’t know, Sexual Transmutation is a topic that is discussed in a book called “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.
I remember borrowing this book when I was living at that 1-bedroom apartment in San Pedro and never finishing it, but the point is that I am finishing it now, with the aid of a book club.
One of the chapters, Chapter 11, is about Sexual Transmutation, which is defined as the process of turning sexual energy and aggression into productivity. In the words of Napoleon Hill, “Sex, alone, is a mighty urge to action, but it's forces are like a cyclone-they are often uncontrollable. When the emotion of love begins to mix itself with the emotion of sex, the result is calmness of purpose, poise, accuracy of judgement, and balance.”
Whenever I had the love of a good man, I would sabotage it in search for a better man, or a man who awakened my creative desires more authentically. All my life I’ve had this gigantic sexual energy to work with, and instead of channeling it productively on a consistent basis, I let my sexual energy run rampant and create chaos around me. Until I began to become disciplined with that sexual energy, I was always lacking direction and focus. I let my oversexed nature overrule me and as a result, I’d start things but never finish them.
I’m telling all of you this because this memoir is intended for my students, who are either just beginning to awaken in their sexual desire and understanding their sexual power, or who are about to learn what this topic is all about. Don’t be afraid of your sexual desire if you have a great deal of it. Instead, learn how to be disciplined in your expression of it. You don’t have to use your sexual desire for just sex. If you choose to refrain from it and use that strong desire to fuel your creativity or to engage in productivity, you’ll be surprised by the genius you awaken within.
Here’s some food for thought: Masturbation is not a sin because it’s evil. Masturbation is a sin because it’s a waste of divine energy. And the same goes for sex that isn’t combined with love. It is a waste of divine energy when it isn’t directed for a wholesome purpose. It took me years to figure that out. Sex is a blessing when it’s done with love. When you love your partner, you are energized from the experience rather than drained. When you fuel sex with love, your creativity is heightened and you leave the experience wishing to do and be better. It’s an instant motivator.
When you overindulge in the expression of your sexual energy just on sex, you debase yourself to the level of the animal. But you are more than an animal. You are a divine being.
When I was with my ex Alex, our sex led to a baby but we were overindulging to the extent of completely abandoning the goals we had before we met. The purpose of our meeting was creative: we wanted to make music. And we let our strong sexual attraction get the best of us and it derailed us to the point where now, ten years later, we barely have a civil relationship, and we can’t even bring up the subject of making music ever again. What a waste, honestly.
I have had several instances where I was taught about the art of sexual transmutation…intuitively. I have had several producers and musicians that I was completely sexually attracted to but never crossed the line with. We let that energy fuel the music, and we made some incredible songs with it. It took an incredible amount of respect and self-discipline to simply focus that energy and channel it creatively, but I have made some beautiful songs as a result. The same goes with men that were attracted to me. By holding on to my self-respect and establishing a clear boundary, these men were motivated to be their best creatively. Because that magnetism motivates anyone to give someone their very best.
Instead of crossing the line with them, I kept my distance.
It helped to be in a monogamous relationship, honestly.
But now that I am single, I am learning something that I never learned how to do.
My parents didn’t talk about the power of my sexuality with me. They were ignorant. They didn’t know about something like sexual transmutation. Had they known, they would have helped me.
A problem with addiction to sex is nothing more than a great deal of energy that is channeled ineffectively.
Just think of what you can do if you decide to only engage in sex with a beloved, and to use the rest of that sexual energy to fuel your dreams.
Just imagine the possibilities.
This is what I am embracing now.
I have more platonic friendships with men than I have ever had in my life. I have more working and creative relationships than ever, too.
This sexual energy that I have in such abundance is what I use for my stage presence, for the expression of my talent as a singer, and also for the expression of my passion for teaching in the classroom.
And instead of letting sexual magnetism take the driver’s seat in my relationships, I look for love, and I let love be the driving force.
I invite you to do the same.
Look for love. Be love. Be pure love. Allow that love to fuel your dreams, and when you feel sexual magnetism, allow it to become a motivator along with your feelings of love.
Be choosy with whom you share your body with. Be clear about your intentions with them. Find out if you share the same dreams with the person whom you intend to share your body…Because when you join, your two bodies become one, and so do your spirits. That energy exchange, when synchronous, can work as a massive force to speed up your intentions, especially when it comes to what you want to give birth to in this world. But when they are out of alignment, that divine energy is cheapened, and problems surface, including forces that stagnate personal, emotional and spiritual growth.
You are meant to be an ascending, focused, prosperous being. Let that sexual energy be your guide, but not before the love you have for yourself and the people who value and love you back. Aim for a stable life with one partner: this will satisfy your sexual needs so that you can focus more on the bigger endeavors you wish to complete in this world, and thus, the sexual energy you have is reserved for that one person while the rest of it is used as fuel for making your dreams come true. And there’s no reason to be fucking all the time. Not even animals live their lives expressing themselves sexually.
Ladies and gentlemen, sexual energy is God-given and therefore sacred. respect it as the divine source of energy it is and channel it with purpose.